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goldenapplesWhen I went to the orchard this morning, the leaves of the apple blossoms were in the process of falling from the trees; slowly floating down and covering the ground in a carpet of pink and white petals. I felt almost peaceful in the silence.
They were her trees, each of them planted as a seed by her hands. Every tree had a story and the apples that grew from them were like no other, something that I still don't understand completely. She tried explaining it, but all I got was that trees grow differently from seeds and that she planted them to remind her of people.
And now her trees were shedding petals, all at once, and she was nowhere to be seen. It was her retreat- where she went when something unthinkable happened. When her first friend died she stayed with the trees for hours and hours, until my Uncle spoke with her and she returned home to us. It always had to be one of us that brought her back when she lost someone.
When Daddy died, she stayed for a week and only my brothers were able to convince her to come back. When their time came, it was back to my uncle. I didn't think anything was wrong because she spoke with him just the other day. I didn't bat an eye when he left, or when she hugged me for the last time. I knew she would be back because she always came back. I kept that thought and that little bit of hope in my heart for days before checking the orchard.
She was gone. I felt it, standing in the orchard and watching the petals fall. She left me here, she left her daughter. Her only daughter that I knew of and she didn't have the courtesy of leaving me a body or saying goodbye- or even a clue that I would never see her again. My Mother was different than most people. She didn't age or change, and we all accepted it. We just expected her to be there and now she wasn't.
I can't really mourn, or have a funeral or any of the things people who mourn get to do. No body, no more friends, just the family she didn't bother to know and me- and the damn trees that just won't stop shedding petals. My Mother went to heaven or wherever it was she came from. That's the thing, she never completely explained it to me. I took for granted that she was immortal and would be with me forever.
I can't just say 'Mommy I need you' and expect her to come back.
They were her trees, each of them planted as a seed by her hands. Every tree had a story and the apples that grew from them were like no other, something that I still don't understand completely. She tried explaining it, but all I got was that trees grow differently from seeds and that she planted them to remind her of people.
And now her trees were shedding petals, all at once, and she was nowhere to be seen. It was her retreat- where she went when something unthinkable happened. When her first friend died she stayed with the trees for hours and hours, until my Uncle spoke with her and she returned home to us. It always had to be one of us that brought her back when she lost someone.
When Daddy died, she stayed for a week and only my brothers were able to convince her to come back. When their time came, it was back to my uncle. I didn't think anything was wrong because she spoke with him just the other day. I didn't bat an eye when he left, or when she hugged me for the last time. I knew she would be back because she always came back. I kept that thought and that little bit of hope in my heart for days before checking the orchard.
She was gone. I felt it, standing in the orchard and watching the petals fall. She left me here, she left her daughter. Her only daughter that I knew of and she didn't have the courtesy of leaving me a body or saying goodbye- or even a clue that I would never see her again. My Mother was different than most people. She didn't age or change, and we all accepted it. We just expected her to be there and now she wasn't.
I can't really mourn, or have a funeral or any of the things people who mourn get to do. No body, no more friends, just the family she didn't bother to know and me- and the damn trees that just won't stop shedding petals. My Mother went to heaven or wherever it was she came from. That's the thing, she never completely explained it to me. I took for granted that she was immortal and would be with me forever.
I can't just say 'Mommy I need you' and expect her to come back.
